Three Ways Roger Federer Can Win Wimbledon

Journalists and fans have long been thinking that Roger Federer needs another Slam, since those other two guys seem to be racking them up at an alarming rate and 16 no longer seems like such a big number. Val was the cheese who stood alone in thinking Rog had his best shot at the French. That was until she saw how he was playing at the French. (You have to give her some leeway. He’d gotten to the finals last year, and played some of his finest tennis yet against Nadal and Djokovic.)

Anyway, the rest of you lot assume Wimbledon and the Olympics, and the green green grass of Rog’s home away from home, are his best shot. With his dominant wins in the first two matches, things seemed to be looking good for the Maestro. Then the Benneteau and Malisse matches happened, and one of Federer’s rare-as-a-dodo-bird MTOs.

Roger was scared, we were scared, and it all depends now on a little bit of luck, fate, and the Federinator’s ability to worm his way out of difficult matches. With the opponents getting tougher as the draw gets smaller, though, wily finesse can only get you so far. So we’re thinking maybe a little more wily avenues might help.

Three ways that Roger Federer could win Wimbledon:

1. Fill pockets with genetically engineered grass seed that grows overnight. We see what happens to those tough top players when they’re on the slippery new grass surface…

And Rog is so light on his feet that…

Oh craps. Well. Never mind.

2. Get hacker to program garage door opener to same frequency as Wimbledon roof. The Maestro can hide it in that snazzy RF bag and use when necessary. We know how well Rog plays when it’s indoors. Just look at that scoreline…

Sonofa$#@! Never mind.

3. Hire Tonya Harding to take out the competition.

Then again, there’s that whole prosecution thing. And the fact that Tonya went from this…

     

    

to this.

And we seriously don’t want a reality TV career to mess with that whole posh Maestro image:

 

Dammit. Never mind. Guess it’s up to you, Fed, to work on that third miracle for sainthood.

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PHOTOS: screencaps of Roger Federer from Benneteau, Fognini and Malisse matches at Wimbledon 2012, Rafael Nadal from Rosol match at Wimbledon 2012; Tonya Harding U.S. Figure Skating Championships 1991. Fair use. Boxing photo from here.