Trophy ceremonies can be a complicated business, especially for players who haven’t won a lot of titles. Every event is different, from quick interviews and holding the trophy aloft–to lengthy affairs with a parade of speakers and lots of standing in different places and posing with different people and objects and giant checks that make everyone look hella ridiculous.
The most recent final in Brisbane, a 250 event in Australia, was extra confusing because Roger Federer didn’t win it. His runner-up from last year, Milos Raonic, won it instead. This is the sort of thing that can make fans’ heads spin, so we decided to help translate this ultra-complex trophy ceremony for you all–the speeches, the rivalries, the little nuances in what people have to say.
Of course, this is just our interpretation*, and you are free to provide your own to counter it. But we hope you’ll enjoy our peek into the wild world of snoozeworthy monologues and awkward social interactions, starring Rog and Milos.
(*some actual quotes and some completely made-up shit)
We begin with a presentation to umpire Mohamed Lahyani, for being a very awesome umpire who shouts “CORRECTION IT WAS GOOD!!” at 2 billion decibels at least once per match, even at times when the ball was totally, totally out.
But you gotta admire a man of conviction, and Mo is a total charmer who also frequently acts as therapist for more volatile players–so you have to give this man a gift for doing his job so well on a pressure-filled finals day. Especially on a day when Roger Freakin’ Federer didn’t freakin’ win.
Now it’s time to hear from the “Acting Premier of Queensland, Jackie Trad” because nothing instills confidence like someone “acting” in an official capacity.
Don’t feel bad, Ms. Trad. After all, we know what happened to the Tourism Minister after she took Roger, who was wearing a dreamy peach shirt and really snug-fitting leggings, on a scenic tour of Brisbane…
While the premier went off to try to reclaim her sanity and power of speech, the trophy ceremony moved on….to more speeches…and rambling…and FINALLY, the actual TROPHIES.